The REAL Reason for the Boxer Rebellion, A Silly Story

Most books about Chinese History cover the Boxer Rebellion in the years 1899 and 1900.  You see the movie, 55 Days at Peking and admire the brave foreign diplomats holding out against peasant rebels and the Chinese Army.

     Now for the real reason for the Boxer Rebellion.

     One morning the Empress Dowager Cu Xi was sitting around.  She was in a bad mood.  Then again, she was in a bad mood most of the time.  Her childhood friend and reputed lover the General Jung Lu came in. 

“I’m in a bad mood,” the Old Buddha hissed.

“You’re rarely in a good mood.  What is wrong on this beautiful morning?  Can’t you hear the birds in the trees?  The meows of the cats?

“That’s just it!”  She cut him short angrily.  “Oh, those Westerners, especially those Westerners with those hideous blue eyes!  They remind me of those awful Siamese cats, with their stark blue eyes!  I’ve had enough, Jung Lu.  I want every cat in the Empire dealt with, now!” 

     Jung Lu couldn’t believe what he was hearing.  There were all sorts of famines rebellions and military campaigns going on.

“My love, is this to be a priority?”

“The Empress Dowager stamped her foot angrily “Yes, I am being driven mad by cats!  I want every cat in the empire dead do you hear me?  DEAD!”

“I hear you.  How could I not hear you when you are screaming at me?”

“Go now and do your duty!”

Jung Lu shrank away.  The military was given orders to round up all the cats in the length and breath of the Chinese Empire. 

     The cats began disappearing immediately.  No one knew where and if you were smart, you didn’t ask questions.  It is hard to keep a secret in such a large empire.  Word leaked out and eventually leaked to the head of the British Association Against Cruelty to Animals.

     Now we know many English people prefer pets to people.  Or so this poor ignorant Yank has been told.  The protestors in London were in front of Parliament every day with signs crying Save The Cats from Evil and Death.

     Both the Liberal Party and the Conservatives agreed something had to be done to stop this evil act.

     This coincided with the Boxer rebels besieging the foreign legations.  Well, to the Prime Minister and other European monarchs and politicians, this was really too much.  The British Admiral at Tianjin, Admiral Seymour was a cat lover.  “Kill the cats?” he snarled.  “This will not do.  That damned woman will be dealt with for the last time!  The siege of the legations is bad enough.  The cats?  Well that takes the biscuit!  We’re off!

     The vast armies of Foreign Devils cut through the Boxers and the Chinese Army like a knife through hot butter. 

     You are told in the history books the Empress Dowager escaped.  Well she did, but when she returned, the Great Powers captured her.  A fitting punishment was devised.

Her spacious luxurious quarters were turned into a home for the most beautiful Siamese cats ever seen, blue eyes and all.  Thousands of them roamed her quarters and nothing she could do about it. 

“Jung Lu!  You failed me!  I am being driven even madder by cats and now I must meet with these dreadful foreign women all the time for tea!  This is all your fault! 

“My fault?  Who wanted affairs of state suspended so the cats could be killed?  We never found out who leaked this to the dreadful Yingguo Ren (British).  The next time you are in a bad mood, which is often, please do not tell me.  I am having enough troubles of my own.”

“Oh shut up!” was all she could manage.

“Oh Cats!”

 

April 24th, 2007

Well yesterday, two guys who work for Tucson Parks and Recreation were there. Jena was having great fun at their expense. She told them they were lazy but they were city workers so they got away with it.

Jessica told me I was getting a hamburger. I could choose fries or onion rings. Just to be a wiseguy I asked what if I want both? Jena piped up with you have to then get a second hamburger and pay an extra four bucks.

Surely you are joking?
Do I look like I am joking?
Why do you guys come in here anyway? You know I am going to give you a hard time?
Easy, we have to go home and be abused. We don’t want to get out of the habit.

A tourist couple came in right after Jena put the closed sign up. “How come HE is still here,” the man asked pointing to me in an annoyed tone.

“Don’t worry. Like sand in the hourglass, when my diet coke is finished, Jena will get the broom and I will be swept out of here, like dust in the desert.”

Jena wants to make sure I use her real name when I put all this together.  Jimmy’s is also the place where I get tips on where to find a junkyard and I found a cleaning lady.  Elizabeth, the Mexican lady who sometimes helps Jena out.

It comes in handy and it beats hanging out on the corner.

Arizona Book Festival

    Last Saturday, April 14th, 2007 was the Arizona Book Festival.  It was the first time I was at a book conference to network for my own book.  My publisher was there and one of the other authors.  I enjoyed helping them.

Luckily, Toastmasters taught me to do this.  I enjoyed being there, cowboy hat, boots etc, though It is more humid in Phoenix than in Tucson.

I got to go on the C Span Book Bus (they promote non fiction books) and meet all sorts of other folks.  My friend Eileen gave another booktalk and signed.

Can’t wait for my writing bootcamp on May 5th.

Leaders; Born or Made?

    This would not go over very well in my Toastmasters club.  After sixteen years in Toastmasters, (OK, I am slow LOL), I’ve come to the conclusion that leaders are born that way.  Unless you have the personality, no amount of leadership training will help you.

Think of an artist or musician.  Unless you have the raw talent, there is no way you can be made a better musician.  Same with playing baseball.

Lest you think I am bragging, I do not perceive myself as a leader.  Don’t worry, I make a lousy follower too.;-)

Writers Dinner

    On the second Thursday night of every month, some of the members of the Romance Writers of America Tucson Chapter (and anyone else who wants to come) have an informal dinner at the Village Inn at Grant and Tanque Verde.

Sometimes, it is just social.  Other times, we discuss nothing but writing.  Today we were speaking about the series by author Bernard Cornwell on his British military character Sharpe.  It is important to read other peoples work to help you with what you write.

The dinners are just a great place to share stuff.  All writers need that.

Jimmys Diner

This is a great place to come up with stories. It is an old Santa Fe Railroad dining car. The kitchen was the kitchen when it served as a railroad car. I will have stories as we go along.

The food is basic. The standard breakfasts of eggs pancakes, potatoes or tortillas and beans. Lunch, hamburgers etc.
Most of the clientele are regulars. People who work at the airport, delivery guys on runs, older guys who have had breakfast there for years. The other waitresses are either family or old friends. Yesterday, a Mexican cleaning lady named Elizabeth had to help Jena out. She had the closed sign on. I went up there suspecting trouble. Turned out, because she was short staffed, she was only serving the regulars.

The old guys in the morning are a hoot. I just listen though. These are rough retired truck drivers, airport and railroads workers. They have become Evangelical Christians. Last Saturday, the loudest one, Bob said “The Israelis mistake is not running the Palestinians out!” I muttered sarcastically, “so that’s what us Jewish folks are getting wrong.” Jeri Anne one of the waitresses said, “keep it down!” If they find out you are Jewish, they will never leave you alone!”

More Writing and Rent Paying.

Still looking for a rent paying job until things take off. I thought of another good thing about rent paying jobs. They let you look at people as you go. Reminds me of a shirt that states, “Careful, anything you say can end up in my next book.” If you write, you need to pay attention to what is around you. Similar to the painter saying the world is a canvas.

The good thing about Tucson is here if you tell people you are a writer, they get a kick out of it. I am trying to picture the waiter in New York or L.A. saying that.

In New York try that at the Carnegie Deli. The wiseguys behind the counter and the older waiters will have great enjoyment with that. In L.A. you get the look of “That’s what they all say.”

You can’t get worked up about much in Tucson anyway. Three months of the year, it gets REALLY HOT! There is a reason rattlesnakes are only out between 7-9 A.M. Like Rush Hour. People are also laid back here. (Which is a good thing, since much of the populace is armed). I was helping a woman with a shopping cart, and no I was not being rude staring at her figure. I was staring at the Glock 9 strapped to her waist. Major staring would probably have been a rather poor idea. It gives new meaning to the idea of Pistol Packing Mama.

So yes, people are laid back here. In my last job I made many friends and have a list of of people to attend booksignings. So when the time comes.

A friend of mine, named Eileen Connell (Pen name Laura Fitzgerald) http://www.laurafitzgerald.com had a booksigning at a store in town called Antigone. She uses a system called Evite (http://www.evite.com). It is free and you set up your invite list. She had sixty people. I had never seen this many at a booksigning.

So writing here is fun. (I had to figure out a way to tie the title into the rest of it. Call it freewriting).

Personal Website is Up

Thanks to my webmasters Mitch Mitchell, I have my site up at http://www.michaelcharton.com

Just in time too.  I have a marketing event in Phoenix next weekend.  More about that later.