Eartha Kitt

Actress and cabaret singer Eartha Kitt died Christmas Day.  For me, she will always be Catwoman on Batman (along with Julie Newmar of course).

If Batman had to be killed off, I wanted Catwoman to commit the evil deed.  No goons, no fancy Batman and Robin killing machine, just Catwoman herself, using her imagination.

I was driving my coworkers nuts yesterday, singing Santa Baby all day.

All kidding aside though, she was a brave lady who had some rough patches.

Rest in peace, kitty.

I Want My Lemon Curd!

I was in Trader Joe’s today.  One of the workers told me their shipments of Lemon Curd will having difficulty making it through customs.

I can see myself now.  A lemon curd smuggler.  I fantasized driving the five hundred miles from Tucson to the Port of Long Beach and driving to the docks.

I am staring up at the ship coming from the United Kingdom WITH MY LEMON CURD!!  I want my lemon curd!  Now!

The U.S. customs person says, “You cannot have it, it cannot clear customs.”

“And why not,” I ask, my annoyance being kept under wraps.

“It just cannot.”

I get it.  Bureaucratic intransigence.  Well, I will get it.  Remember the Boston Tea Party?  Well, I am going to get my lemon curd.

I sneak on the ship in the dead of night.  I steal what I can take.  I get down to where my car WAS!

I was awakened from my fantasy when the clerk at the cash register, grumbled, next!

The Tooth Got It’s Eviction Notice.

I have not been posting for a couple of days because of a bad wisdom tooth.  Well today, it received its eviction notice.  My regular dentist saw the X-Ray and felt an Oral Surgeon would be better for this nasty tooth.  The tooth won a stay on the eviction notice; just long enough for me to drive to the Oral Surgeon.  The tooth fought eviction, but to no avail.  An Oral Surgeon and two assistants are enough in the way of Sheriff’s Deputies to evict such a bothersome tooth.

I feel so much better therefore, I am back.  I pride myself on being tough, but this rebellious tooth was pushing my toughness buttons almost to tears.  It is over, I can see clearly now, the fog is gone.

Russia Invades Georgia?

Russian Marines are landed on a coast with palm trees.  They move inland in the darkness.  They spot a sign that says “Georgia Peaches.”

“Lieutenant, we are in Georgia, one marine chirps happily.”

The Lieutenant grunts, “Anton, what is wrong with that sign?”

“I don’t know Lieutenant.”

“Fool!  The sign is in English!  We are in the wrong Georgia.  I thought that voyage below deck was too long.     We are in the wrong Georgia!  Look at those people over there!,”  the Lieutenant gasps pointing toward a group of African Americans hanging out in front of a rural general store speaking Gullah.  What do you see, Anton?”

“I see people, Lieutenant.”

“What do those people look like?”

“They are a little sunburned.”

“They are a LOT sunburned.   Do you see those kind of people in our Georgia?”

“Why no, maybe they are migrants.”

“Migrants my eye!  We are in the wrong Georgia!”

“So where are we, Lieutenant?”

“You’ve heard of the United States, have you not Anton?  Well that is where we are!”

“Cool, Hollywood!  A voice pops up from the rear.”

“Shut up Sergei!  The only way you are going to see Hollywood is through prison bars if I as your leader don’t get you out of this mess.”

Suddenly a voice calls out from the General Store.  It was Leroy Poole, a local drunk.  “Y’all, there are some white folks in the woods in camouflage.  They ain’t hunters and they ain’t the Klan, but they sure do talk funny.”

A female voice called out, “Leroy Poole, you fool.  Drunk again with the Lords day tomorrow.  You should be ashamed of yourself.”

Another voice among the group whispered.  “Leroy’s right.  They was speakin’ some language that ain’t English.   Boys, keep the women inside and let’s git our guns.”

The rag tag army got their guns out of their holsters and pick up trucks.  The Lieutenant ordered his men to retreat and return fire only if in danger.  The plan was to head back to the landing craft.

A nice idea, except on of the Russians decided to play Rambo.  He went running out of the clearing, blasting away with his AK47 spraying everything in sight.  Luckily for the rapidly formed militia they hit behind their now shot up pickup trucks and were ready.  You don’t mess with Americans who hunt.  Rambo was quickly shot down.

“Leave him,” the Lieutenant grunted.  He was a fool.  The Russians retreated back to the beach where their landing craft was SUPPOSED to be.

“Oh this is just great,” the Lieutenant muttered loudly.

“Does that mean we are going to Hollywood?” Sergei smiled.

“Oh shut up!” the Lieutenant barked.

The Russians were in deep trouble though as word spread through word of mouth, telephone and email through Georgia.  The loading of weapons took place from Atlanta to St. Marys.  Not just the military, but reglar (that’s regular) citizens makin’ sure them Russians returned the way they came.

The Russians ran through the swamps.   Alligators and snakes started getting them.  The Lieutenant was losing his men without a shot being fired.  We can’t forget Palmetto Bugs, the size of houses and Female Mosquitoes who give a new name to necking.

The Lieutenant was getting concerned.  Daylight was starting to streak in the Georgia sky.  The Lieutenant led his men across U.S. 17 where they saw a sign.

Savannah, 50 Miles.

We will make our way to Savannah and steal a boat.  Meanwhile, we are going to have to live off the land.  We will have to eat Gator and Snake.

Suddenly, Anton spotted a beet field.  Lieutenant, we can make borscht.  We don’t have sour cream, but it will have to do.

Anton and the other Marines began gathering beets when a whiskey laden Deep South voice came out from the distance.

“Git outta mah field, or Ahl shoot!”

“He is not keeping me away from my beets!”  Anton shouted as he raised his AK-47 and shot the farmer dead.

“Anton, you really are a fool.”  We are in major difficulty now.  How many of us are there?”

“Counting you and me seven.”

“Well there are millions of Georgians of the wrong kind who are going to be angry like a swarm of bees.  Do you understand the situation, which you, you idiot, because you were missing your mother’s borscht have made worse?  Well done! We will head to Savannah and try and get out of this mess!”

The Marines moved silently through the swamps living off the land until they stumbled into a built up area.   There was a building with the name “Ikea” on it and many spaces for automobiles.

I wonder if we are in Savannah, the Lieutenant thought to himself…

“What is this, Savannah?”  Anton piped up with.

“It is a United States coastal city.  Either we get a boat or we meet our end here.”

“How far is Hollywood?” Sergei asked with a smile.

“Sergei in your dreams, try 6000 kilometers.”

“So far?  How are we going to get there?”

“We aren’t.  Don’t sulk Sergei.”

“But I love to suffer.  We are Russian, aren’t we?”

For the first time, Peter, a dreamy sort named after the famous Russian czar spoke up.  “Is this Savannah like Sevastapol?  Are there girls?”

“Peter, I liked you better when you were quiet and did your job.  Of course there are girls.  Otherwise how do you get baby Georgians?”

“Can I have one?”

“No!”  We are trying to get home!  I don’t think they are good members of our Russian Orthodox Church either.  Explain the black girl to your mother, Peter!”

They had been walking through swamps for two days with little food and water and limited bathing.

They started to wander into built up areas of Savannah.   “No talking!” The Lieutenant hissed.  “We look out of place as it is, especially with our messy uniforms and AK47’s.”

They ragtag members of the lost Russian Marine party stumbled into a building to get off the street, thinking they could hide until nightfall.  This was another and their final mistake.

The Presidential Candidates Dealing with Putin.

     I’ll start with the Democrats.  Putin will just write Biden off as a bore and send him packing.  Senator Obama will open with, “Let’s talk.”  Putin will agree with the smile like the wolf in bed instead of Granny greeting Little Red Riding Hood.  The Russia will be rude, crude and run roughshod.

     Senator McCain and Governor Palin will go in there as bad cop and worse cop.  Senator McCain will pound his fist on the table after matching Putin vodka shot for vodka shot.  “Listen, you Russki son of a bitch.  I fought and was a victim of your surrogates in Vietnam.  You wil do as you are told.”

    “Boss, you want me to shoot him”, Governor Palin smiles, brandishing the 30.06.     Putin uses his martial arts, disarms her, has McCain as his prisoner.

     Now what?  Anyone who wants can play with this.  I am silly, still having my coffee.  I am also grumpy etc.

Magic Bus Post, Kingman Arizona

I posted this on Jon Kelly’s blog on BBC.  He met some motorcycle riders in Kingman, Arizona.

Jon, that is true.  One of the great joys of living in Arizona IS the open space, whether hiking, on a motorcycle or just driving with the windows down.  I have been in England and yes much of it is crowded.
Obamasmama’s you are right about living in New York.  Brooklyn is where I grew up.  I now have a completely different world view from my mother and two sisters.  New Yorkers are internationalist and provincial in the same breath (ask me how that is possible).  On the other hand, my mother’s cousin in San Antonio is married to someone who is a friend of Senator McCain.  I am closer to my cousins in some ways.  You know who they are supporting.
To understand WHY Senator McCain chose Governor Palin (no, not Michael LOL, and you should see the comments on Palin’s Travels), read Deerhunting with Jesus by Joe Bageant.  Easy fun quick read.  You will get a real understanding.  For those of you who saw Governor Palin’s interview with Charlie Gibson, no question he did not like her and was looking down on her.  If the mainstream media is smart strategically, they will NOT interview her.  Why?  Because much of Middle America will just see it as the “Elite Media” coming down on one of their own.  You notice, ever since Senator McCain chose Governor Palin, she is the one being paid attention to.  The Obama camp attacks the Senator, but not her.
I was reading a New Europe article about the choice of Governor Palin.  Like them, at first, I thought Senator McCain had lost his mind.  (Friends of mine who are lifelong Arizonans say he is slipping).  Now, it is proving to be a clever if flippant move in some ways.
OldSouth, I like the way those guys protected the funeral home.  I work with bikers.  I like the bikers I work with.
Abiquiu, my Canadian Toastmasters friends are telling me about the mess you guys are having.
Ninjalinz, I remember Hells Angels HQ and CBGB well.
Buckeyeman, it is true, buying the motorcycle is not cheap, but you certainly save on gas.  And yes, I like Governor Janet.
Some Republicans in Arizona may cross over to Senator Obama or vote for the Libertarian Party.  Why?  A South Carolina and an Arizona Republican have issues they do not agree on.  Arizona Republicans fall into two types (as a very general rule).
1.  Economic Conservatives in Maricopa County.
2.  People who are really Libertarians.  They will not want Governor Palin telling them how to live.
I was supporting Senator McCain until he chose Governor Palin.  Now I am not so sure.
If you live in Arizona, Washington is VERY removed.  Geographically, we are closer to Mexico City, just to give you an idea.
Having said that, much of the land here is owned by some level of government.
I know what I want for me.  Bluntly, I am not happy with either candidate and I am a little afraid for the future.
Newsweek had an article about  Senator Obama making a stop at a diner in the Ozarks.  Some of these people will vote for the Democrats if they feel they are not being “talked down to.”  You have to read Deerhunting for Jesus for more detail.;-)
Much of what people in Europe do not understand about why our elections are going a certain way need to read some more detailed American History.  Guys like Andrew Jackson.  The people whose ancestors originated in Jon’s region, Southern Scotland and the Borders.  Read the Border Reviers by the late George MacDonald Fraser and you will get some idea.
Aw shucks, Rainlawrence, you didn’t think I would leave YOU out, did you?
To paraphrase Monty Python, are you a Chartered Accountant, planning to become a Lion Tamer?;-)  Do some more reading about us.  Much of our history is great, much is not.  I am not going to defend everything about us.  Don’t you want to know about your friends the Americans?  I like learning things about MY friends, the Brits.
This election is the most important in eighty years (because for that long, it is the first time with no incumbent).  Also we have a lot to overcome.   There are others I wanted to be President, but my opinion was not asked for.:-)  BBC actually has a story about what it takes to be President.  You tell me who is up to the way the job has evolved.
The Libertarian streak in me is growing, but we are going to need some government interference in the near future.

Jon, I have been putting comments about the bus trip on my blog and also lampooning the campaign.
http://www.tucsonmike.wordpress.com
Thank you for letting me share.

If So and So is Elected.

     I am just having some fun with what might happen.  Situations change, so I could be dead wrong.

I will start with the Republicans.  There is much to admire about John McCain.  The Economist hit the nail on the head two weeks ago.  If you are looking for certain symbolism, vote for Senator Obama.  If you are looking for what someone has done, vote for Senator McCain.   Senator McCain has bled for the United States (literally).  My cousin was in the Hanoi Hilton with him, so I have personal stories.  He is my Senator. 

     That does not mean I don’t have concerns.  I enjoy Senator McCain being the maverick and taking on certain interest groups.  On Foreign Policy though, he is an old Cold Warrior.  It was old Cold Warriors who got us in trouble in Iraq, when Afghanistan is the place we should have been concentrating.  Then again, the bullies of the world were afraid of President Reagan.  That helped kill the Soviet Empire (though Putin is doing his damnest to bring it back.  He wont succeed, Russia has too many other problems, but that is for another posting).  Maybe they will behave with a President McCain.   Then there really would be a new sheriff in town.  (Hey, I live in Arizona and could not resist the Western analogy).  The Sheriff, has a new deputy, ya know.  You think HE’S bad?  Talk about bad cop and very dangerous bad cop!    With Gov. Palin, at best, Putin will be sent to bed without supper.  No milk and cookies for him.  Bad Putin!  At worst…To paraphrase the guy about be stoned in Monty Python’s Life of Brian, “worse, how could it be worse?”  I’ll let me readers let THEIR imaginations run wild.   I’d behave too.

     Senator Obama’s story is different.  He rose in politics from being a neighborhood organizer.  More like the old fashioned big city machine politics.  (Many wonder if he has corrupt Chicago politicians behind him).  He knows working for certain domestic issues, but foreign policy?  Would he be JFK to Putin’s Khurschev?  Maybe not, only because Putin does not have the power Khurschev had.    Will the bullies of the world be salivating, thinking Senator Obama is too nice (translation weak)? 

    Senator Obama has Senator Biden, who even with plagerizing, I think genuinely believes in public service and might help to keep a President Obama grounded.

     Do y’all see a pattern here?  I am picking on both sides.  I am not sure either ticket is up to what really ails us.  I am partly being silly when I say I think I know what is going to happen in a given administration, but like any Futurist, I can only make educated cases.  I can be way off base.

     Whichever ticket is elected, I would love to be proven wrong.  I would love to have someone say you goofed and everything worked out well. 

We shall see.   Until the debates.  For now it is interrupting my baseball pennant races.

Bullwinkle Needs to be Worried.

For older Americans, there is the cartoon Rocky and Bullwinkle.  I am trying to imagine the idea of Bullwinkle confronting Sarah Palin instead of of Boris and Natasha.

Governor Palin raises her 30.06 Bullwinkle looks @ her quizzically.  He is only used to Boris and Natasha.

In real life, I have to admire her though.  Moose are common in the Northeastern United States and Canada.  Years ago, my buddy George and I were driving to a Toastmasters conference in Nova Scotia.  It was getting dark as we were in Eastern Maine on Route 9.  George said “Wouldn’t it be cool if we saw a moose now?”  The idea of hitting a moose with a Toyota Tercel  at 55 MPH was a little distressing.

“George, if we see a moose now, it’s the last thing we’re gonna see!”

If you hit a moose with a car, you will be an accordion, it will brush itself off, look at you and maybe charge again for good measure.   Bullwinkle is THE nice moose.  The rest would make a football defensive line cringe.

So Bullwinkle better go on the assumption Gov. Palin is more likely to get her moose than Boris and Natasha and vamoose!:-)

More silliness from me.  I swear it is contagious.

The Battle of the Coffee Cup (4)

My wife bought me an Arizona Diamondbacks T-Shirt, which is purple in color.  My friend Tiffany at work greeted me with, “at least if you get coffee on the shirt, it wont show.”  Sure enough, no coffee got anywhere near it.

Does this mean I have to pretend I am the Singer formerly known as Prince and wear nothing put purple?  Sorry, but it looks better on the fairer sex.

Pit Bulls with Lipstick, Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton

Wait a minute.  Wasn’t Atlanta Falcons Quarterback Michael Vick  sent to prison for raising Pit Bulls to fight? I’d send my attack cat, Yerbie in there but he is not interested.